Transformers : Revenge Of The Fallen.

Lets face the facts.

1. Michael Bay has a lot of money.
2. He's not happy with his wife. They had a violent fight last year.

The movie begins with our Neanderthal ancestors chasing a tiger. The tiger nods when its cornered and its then that the primates notice a huge structure on the ground a kilometer or two from where they are. A spaceship of some kind it is and our skimpily clad ancestors see robots gamboling around it. The Decepticons see the humans too and they come and crush them, literally. Alright. Enlightenment. The aliens are far more advanced than the humans. They keep making things having weird shapes with names such as ‘The Matrix’ which has powers so great that it can bring the dead back to life and even blow up suns while all the humans keep doing is hunt tigers. That was one important flashback. One needs it.

Now comes the present. Sam has to go to college and decides not to take his Camaro aka Bumblebee along. He tells Bee about it and Bee cries. Very emotional. I remember hearing a genuine sniff from somewhere on the row behind mine. Bee even sheds tears. Ah. Not tears. Oil. Very touching. But then they show Mikaela in her garage. And the bikes! Beautiful, awesome, things. That period of a few nano-seconds is the only small part worth whatever money one might so innocently spend on this terrible a movie. Well, apart from the slow-mo shots of Fox running. She stretches her leg, crosses them over Sharon-style, sits on one of the bikes and bends like those girls at a chopper-convention or something who wear nothing and keep washing bikes. And all this while talking on the phone. But who cares, eh? I can imagine Michael Bay sweating and wanting to go to the washroom while trying to take those shots.

There’s another hottie too, who unfortunately gets sprayed upon with oil by our hero, the Bee himself. Itself? And she even makes passes at Sam! Yes! The dude who, from a distance, can almost be mistaken for a chick has a really hot babe hitting on him! How? But wait. Then she reveals her tail! Yes! She's got a machine-tail! Freaky! She kept hitting on the dude just so that she could kill him! Over the years, somehow, the Decepticons advanced so much that they learnt how to disguise themselves in human-form. But they still need a tail to kill a human not to mention the coitus-interruptus that they unconditionally need to indulge in before they can carry out their Operation Kill-A-Boy. Afterall, they are the mighty Decepticons.

They even show a much stereotypical destroyed planet of the Transformers and some leader of the Decepticons who does nothing but sit on a chair all day long and whose robot face too is marked by senility. And he is the fallen. And his will be the revenge. Its almost funny. How the hell is that old dude going to avenge his fall?

The movie seems to go nowhere with lots of Transformers prancing around and battling with each other, their tactics not-at-all changing through-out. They keep pouncing on each other the same way they did in the first movie. And they keep making sound too. Weird noises. But then, they do need to make machine-noises, eh? How then could we have told the bots and the humans apart. The noises! Smart, I tell you. Bay. It’s easy to get confused too. The Decepticons are black and the Autobots are all red and blue and yellow and green. But still.

Very much like a Bollywood flick, where long-dialogues of love are uttered on the battleground itself which makes you wonder where the hell the enemies were while the layla was confessing her love to the majnoo, it makes one scratch his head as to how this movie can get a standing ovation(well, almost) at the end. Sam gets a vision too! Now, that makes it worth the buck, eh? A vision about the ancestors of Optimus Prime telling Sam that only he can save the world. And Prime too. Did I forget Prime? But then, he was dead for more than half the movie. Poor Prime! We all loved him in the first flick. And now his run-time just got reduced. Ah. Sob-sob.

There’s a whole new variety of robots in here. With millions of utterly senseless action sequences all of them looking ditto-ditto, someone like me would just want to get out of the theatre as soon as possible. I love robots. It’s not like I hate them or something. I liked Terminator. I even liked Transformers-I. But seeing so many of these shape-changers at once is a painful eye-sore. Even the jokes are corny. We've seen it all. I say go for this movie if and only if you have absolutely nothing else to do. No wait. Don’t go then either. Go grab a beer instead. Why get a headache when you can get a high?

Pros : Fox, her slow-mo runs and choppers. And of course the dialogue by that Sector-7 dude, "I'm directly below its scrotum."

Cons : Senseless action and dull jokes. A plot as weak as err.. say.. Quantum Of Solace?

Rating : 2/5